Santa's Obsessed Helper
by Petersgirl2011
Summary: Molly just wants to win the neighborhood Christmas lighting competition. The others, not so much. Everything goes wrong!


**This was written for the Better In Texas Fiction, 2015 Winter Wonderland contest!**

 **Co Author: Papa Peter, which happens to be my hubby!**

Immediately when the alarm went off; my eyes popped open with glee. It seemed as though we just settled down for a long winter's nap with me in my flannel gown and Mike in his C-pap mask.

Nothing could spoil my mood today. It was finally here. The official day had arrived. We would triumph in the block lighting competition this year.

"Oh yes, this is my year. I will win. I can feel it."

My family bailed on me each time I planned to do something for it. Let's face it with a booze hound mother, a stoner sister and a looser step father; I never really stood much of a chance at it. But this year I have my loving, wonderful, supportive husband on my side.

"Mike."

"Not now Molly. I'm trying to sleep."

So I gave him another gentle nudge to get out of bed. "Not now I said. Let me sleep Saturday is my day off. We can have sex later, like about noon. Wake me up then."

The loud clatter coming from outside made me spring out of bed to see what was the matter. Away to the window I flew like a flash. When I seen my neighbor already kicking my ass. "Son of a bitch, to get through this day I might need some of Victoria's weed stash."

He seemed to get the jump early on the entire neighborhood decorating his house first. While he always claimed victory at the end of the day.

"Not this year buddy."

This time I wasn't so gentle when trying to wake Mike. "If you don't get up. You may be flying solo on the sex thing for the next month."

"You wouldn't do that."

From the night stand I picked up my hand lotion and a box of Kleenex. Then I tossed them on the bed.

"Don't try me buddy. If you ruin today for me, I will talk about your mother every night before we fall asleep. Just try getting in the mood with that shit running through your head."

"I'm up."

Mike went across the hall to the bathroom as I was getting the lights out of the boxes. He finally managed to make it down the stairs still in sleep pants and t-shirt.

"What took you so long? Why aren't you dressed yet?"

"What do you mean? I just got up and I want a cup of coffee to start my morning."

"You have to help me. We have a lot to do before the judge shows up."

"Molly, I will help you right after I have a cup of coffee."

When I heard the floor creak above our heads, I knew who would be coming down the stairs next. I turned off the lights and put my hand over Mike's mouth to be quiet. I was ready for them, oh yes I was.

"It's two in the morning. Going somewhere?" As I shined my flashlight between their surprised faces.

With age brought wisdom. I set my alarm for two hours earlier than I told them we would meet downstairs. This would not go as before where they got up and snuck out of the house to get out of helping.

"Vince and I thought we would go for a jog this morning before we help you."

"Joyce, I thought you said we were leaving so we won't have to help Molly."

"Oh really, Mom? Was that the plan from the start?"

"It's just you get a little crazy this time of the year Molly."

"A little crazy hell. T'was the night before the lighting competition when all through the house. Not a creature was stirring except your crazy bitchy daughter who wants me to go outside and freeze my nads off. "I felt no need to address Vince's distasteful comment. So I moved on to her.

"Do you feel the same way Vince does Mom?"

"It's true dear. You take the fun out of the holidays sometimes by demanding we celebrate them in a certain way."

"Let's see how much you like celebrating them when I pour all the liquor in the house down the drain."

They surrendered to the fact they had been caught and were going to help out. The next person on my list to conquer; Victoria.

Although there was no surprise when her bedroom was empty and she hadn't made it home yet. Mom was concerned for her. "I wonder where Victoria is. She hasn't even gone to bed yet."

"Oh, I bet she already has made her way to someone's bed tonight. Victoria's silk stockings are hung who in the hell knows where. In hopes St. Cum a lot will soon be in there."

As much as I love my sister; she was a cheap ho. Anybody's ho as a matter of fact; a married man, recently paroled, unemployed or hopeless for any cause. Those were the top of the crop of her dates too. Well, I wouldn't exactly call them dates. Most of the time she didn't even get dinner first.

No sooner than we spoke Victoria's name; she came stumbling through the front door. Smelling like booze, weed and a strong aftershave.

"Morning all. I'm going to bed now."

"Like hell you are. We are going to pimp this bitch out and win."

It took hours to organize everyone into place. They each had specific jobs to do. Carl and Samuel came to help out Mike and Vince. I sent all the guys up to the roof top. They were spending too much time running up and down the ladder. So we invented the rope system. I tied a rope on a bucket for them to lower down when they needed something.

Mom, Victoria and I were putting up different displays in the front yard. My neighbor rushed over to our side. He never spoke to us before so I wasn't sure what he wanted. Other than maybe to congratulate me on winning the prize he won every year. Up until now that was.

"I don't know what kind of shenanigans you're trying to pull Molly. But it won't work and it is a disgrace to the neighborhood."

"I don't know what you're talking about."

He pointed then crossed his arms like a child in front of him. My mouth opened when I seen what he meant.

Mom was holding up a limp Frosty. While Victoria was on her knees on the ground, blowing away on one of our air inflated decorations.

"Son of a bitch. I gotta go before Victoria starts a sex riot in the front yard.

"What in the hell are you doing?"

"I'm blowing frosty up."

"I can see that Victoria. Now stop it. That's what the air pump is for. The neighbors are complaining already about it."

Mom just had to chime in too. "It's not Victoria's fault his little nozzle is in the front."

"Why don't you two make some lunch for the guys? I will set this display up."

When I finished it, the yard was full of Christmas cheer and lights. Santa in his sleigh waving as he drove his tiny eight reindeer. A huge light up present welcomed you to our home. The air inflated Frosty moved around; along with an elf and snow globe blowing beside him.

"It looks good if I do say so myself. How are you guys doing up there?"

"We're starving to death. I can't work in these conditions."

"I'll send you guys up something on the rope in a minute."

When I went inside they were on the couch sharing a special mother daughter moment; having a bottle of wine while hitting Victoria's bong. I decided not to bother them and get the guys lunches myself. It's not like they were a big help anyway.

On the table was a plate of sandwiches already prepared for them. The aroma of a fresh baked brownies crept out of the oven hitting my nose. The boys were working so hard to get this done for me. I cut them a few squares each from the pan and put them in the bag too. Along with some sodas to wash it down with.

"Damn, those smell good. Nope, you can't tempt me you chocolate bastards. Oh who am I kidding?" I cut myself a large square to eat while I delivered their lunch and put the finishing touches on the decorations.

The brownies were so good though, I had eaten them until the last piece was gone. With my final duty in mind, putting the Christmas wreath on the door, I went to get it out of the closet.

"Mol, what happened to the brownies in the oven?"

"We ate them."

"Mol, I don't know how to tell you this."

"Just tell me Victoria because I don't have time for it."

"Those were a batch of my special brownies. They had weed in them."

"Son of a bitch. I gave them to Mike, Carl, Samuel and Vince. You know my cop husband and his partner Carl? Who arrest people for doing drugs? I have to stop them from eating the brownies. They could fall off the roof and get seriously hurt."

"I can't help to think some of this might be my fault."

"Just some of it, really?"

This wasn't the time to yell at Victoria or stand around and have an argument with her. I would save it for later tonight. Now, I had to get to Mike and tell him. Losing the competition meant nothing to me anymore. He could lose his badge if anyone found out what happened. They really frown upon officers of the law getting high on or off duty.

My hands were huge up close to my face. When I moved them away from me they appeared to be flipping me off. But I had them in a tight fist. The boat in the painting on the wall was moving in the flowing waves, literally moving. It was the Christmas tree that cinched it for me. Because it was singing I'm a little tea pot short and stout. Using its branches as arms to make the handle and spout.

"Son of a bitch. I'm high on pot brownies."

For some damn reason my mouth felt like the dessert. I needed a drink. I held on to the counter top to make my way to the sink. It all went fine until I stepped on the cat. I don't remember much which occurred after that.

When I came to, the house was flooded on the inside with Christmas lights. Although I was lying under the kitchen table still high as a fucking kite.

"It's night time already. What the hell happened?"

"You need a hug Mol."

Victoria shoved my face in her bosom. She was holding me tightly in those monsters of hers. I almost couldn't breathe. Loud noises were coming from the roof. Really bad type noises might I add. Her huge boobs were bouncing in my face when she got excited.

"Yes, Santa is here. I heard him on the roof. Even when I'm on his naughty list, I'm still nice."

Mom poured herself another fish bowl glass of wine and decided to add to the conversation. "Santa likes to party with the Flynn girls. We make his everything shake and quiver like pants full of.."

"Mom."

They were trying to help me up. But it wasn't helping me at all. "Back to the floor. Back to the damn floor."

If I had to crawl my way to Mike, then so be it. Victoria laid a pair of house slippers down to put my hands in. "Here Mol, no need for frost bit hands. Mike won't want to feel ice cubes on his penis." She always had her priorities in order.

"You know, this reminds me of when I went to Wood Stock. I.."

"Mom." Was the last thing I said before I made my way out the door and crawled down the stairs. I said Mike's name several times and never got a response from him. I rubbed my legs while sitting on the steps until I had feeling in them again so I could walk.

"Mike, Mike. Son of a bitch."

Mike was sitting on top of the chimney without any pants on cracking his fake whip several times. "To the top of the stripper pole. Then grind your way down to the bottom. Dash away, dash away all. Now Snow Flake, now Mistle Titts, now Tinsel Tush, now Jingle Ball Julie. On Sugar Nookie, on Candi Cane, on Holly Ho, on Mrs. Claws. Goodie Gertie, with your vagina glowing so bright, won't you guide my sleigh tonight?"

"Mike."

"Hey Molly. Look at me; I'm driving Santa's strippers to the North Dancer Pole."

"I can see that."

Vince wasn't in any better shape. He was pretending to be a Christmas moose; he called himself Bull Tinkle. His hands were his antlers at his head as he struck his foot down on the roof top. They stripped Santa's clothes off at some point because Samuel was holding his jacket as a red cape for Vince to ram as he charged at it.

"Are you ready because here I come? Moo, moo, moo. Wait that's the sound a cow makes. Quack, quack, shit I'll get it right. Just give me a minute."

"I hope you fall and break your neck."

"What did you say down there Molly?"

"I said you just give it heck Vince." He gave me the thumbs up before he charged at Santa's jacket.

"Molly, when did you get here?"

"I've been here for I don't know, forever, because I live here. Samuel, lookout."

Just as Vince went to run through the jacket, Samuel moved it because he was talking to me instead of paying attention. Vince's head went into the side of the brick chimney Mike was setting on. It laid Vince's ass out.

"Whoa, I think my sleigh is experiencing some turbulence." Mike didn't even notice anything was going on around him.

Samuel bent down to check on Vince. "He's alright."

"Yeah, that's what I'm worried about."

Carl had the one side of the roof to himself. I'm not exactly sure of the dance he was doing. I think it was the robot with his massive lit up elf ears on and Santa's hat on top of his head. "Do you know what I think we should do Molly?"

"Carl, I'm afraid to ask."

"We should stuff the stockings with beer, pretzels, condoms, sex toys and nuts." I was just praying he was talking about the kind of nuts that came from a can.

"I see queenie you are parading my boy around like a Chippendale dancer. Mike always gives you your way doesn't he? Those little lights on the porch aren't twinkling like they should be."

It was the voice of the enemy. The horrible mother of my wonderful husband. She grated on my last nerve by opening her mouth. The constant nagging, bitching and complaining she does made me want to stab her in the chest with an icicle or something worse most of the time. But today, I would take the high road and not give her the satisfaction of getting to me.

"You know what mother Biggs." When I turned around I froze in place because she wasn't alone. She had her boyfriend, Mike and Carl's Captain, with her.

Mike was swift of his feet with a salute to the Captain. So was Carl as he quit break dancing on the roof. If the Captain discovered what took place here today, they would be out of a job.

"At ease men. And for god sakes Biggs, put on some damn pants."

"Yes Sir, immediately Sir." Mike grabbed Santa's pants and put them on.

"Mom, why don't you take Mother Biggs and the Captain inside for some eggnog and cookies?"

Mom just gave me a strange look because we had none of those things inside. But I knew she would entertain them enough to keep them there by telling one of her stories and offering them liquor. Perhaps, even long enough for me to get control of the fiasco going on out here.

"Mol, did they eat the brownies?" I totally ignored Victoria's question. If she couldn't come up with the answer to it on her own, she wouldn't understand anything I had to say anyway. Up the ladder I went. I made it half way up it when the judge arrived.

"Mrs. Biggs, I'm Mr. Harold. I will be judging your display this evening."

One time is all I wanted for a perfect family Christmas. I strived so damn hard to make sure it was too. I spent a shit load of money every year to try for a festive loving atmosphere to surround us. Then there were the countless hours I put into the actives for all to join in. Only to have my dream crushed like it was about to be now.

With what should through my bloodshot eyes appear; the lighting competition judge standing there in total disbelief. "I can explain all of this really I can." But the reality was I could never explain what took place here tonight to anyone.

Mike seen the judge and freaked the fuck out. "Uh oh. Molly is gonna be pissed were still on the roof and the judge is here. Everybody make a run for it."

What possessed a large man such as himself to try to squeeze down a small hole in the chimney was beyond me. His kicking legs were all you could see stuck out of it. At least he put the Santa pants to good use.

Samuel covered Vince's still laid out body with one of the Sheppard's robes. He quickly swaddled Vince in his arms as Mary would. Samuel was singing the baby's lullaby to him as he rocked Vince vigorously.

Carl was swinging one of the colored flood lights around while dancing. "Piss on you all. It's been one hell of a night."

The judge cocked his head to one side. Then wrote a bunch of stuff down on his clip board. "What did he just say?"

"Merry Christmas to all and to all a good night!"

Victoria took the judge by the arm. She put her finger in her mouth and bit it. Then trailed it down to top of her bare breast sticking out of her tight sweater. "That's what you will have if we win the contest; one hell of a good night." At least she was putting her boob power to good instead of evil.

To my amazement we won first place in the lighting competition. This would be my first and last year participating. We all went inside to rejoice in our win after we pried Mike out of the chimney.

Most them had the munchies and ate everything in sight. For Mike and me it was normal so no one seemed to even notice. I would never tell them about the special brownies or anything else that took place.

Although Vince wasn't sure what had happened to him out there. He sat on the couch with an ice pack on his head. With Mom apply heat to her favorite area of his, by rubbing him while she kept on drinking. My step pappy was her hunk of burning love.

When I took a quick look around the living room we were one big dysfunctional family tonight I loved. Samuel and Carl were arguing who was the most handsome between them. While they stuffed the stocking with who knows what. Victoria was making the judge squirm because she wanted to sit on Santa's lap. He even blushed a little when she whispered in his ear what she wanted for Christmas. Mother Biggs and the Captain were wishing on the star on top of the Christmas tree. Acting like they were teenagers again when he stole a kiss from her under the mistletoe.

Mike was still in his soot stained Santa pants eating a snickers bar. It took his love and what they all did for me today to realize the most important thing for the holidays is spending it with those you love. Tears filled my eyes because I would get to always spend the holidays with the man I love.

"I love you Michael Biggs."

"I love you Molly Biggs. I'll admit the holidays were never this exciting until I meet you. I wouldn't have changed anything about tonight."

"I bet you would if you only knew."

The End

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